National Infertility Awareness Week – April 23-29,2017
I have infertility. In the beginning, those first 3 years of our marriage, I was a mess anytime a friend told me about their pregnancy, especially if they didn’t mean to get pregnant. I felt so much guilt that my body didn’t work the way it is supposed to. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of the amazing husband I have because I am “broken”. In the culture of my religion (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) the emphasis on families is one of the greatest aspects, but for those with infertility it can feel alienating. Having a family is filling the measure of our creation, and it’s the one thing you can’t make happen despite the invasive tests and procedures you have heaped upon yourself and the tens of thousands of dollars you have spent. It inevitably leads to heartache and frustration. I spent many mornings crying in my closet holding a negative pregnancy test. Even after years of tests and procedures, I still thought maybe there would be a chance that it would be positive.
Where Do I Fit In?
You might know that I am raising three of my beautiful children. That is one aspect that is tricky with infertility, having success with a certain infertility treatment (In Vitro Fertilization in our case) doesn’t end your infertility. To add complexity, when you become pregnant, you carefully tiptoe out of the infertility support groups you have been a part of for years and where you have found so much compassion and support. You see, they don’t want you there anymore. You now represent what is breaking their hearts. So, you exit only to enter a place that is empty and alone. You are not really a part of the traditional mommy groups where they get pregnant each time they try for a month or two. It was only recently that I found a group on facebook for parenting after infertility. It is the first “home” feeling I’ve had in 6 years. Those in that group understand where I’m at right now.